Blackout

Posted: July 29, 2019 in Other Stuff.....

“Shawn, try not to move.” I heard a voice whisper to me.

Pain. Incredible pain pulsed through my back. I opened my eyes and saw green grass below me.  It took me a few seconds to comprehend I was laying face down on a narrow cot that’s barley wide enough to keep my arms from falling off.

I heard grass softly crunch beneath the source of the voice,  they were coming towards me.

“You have very deep wounds.”

I’ve heard this voice before but I can’t remember where. I tried to lift my head to see who was standing next me, but the strain on my back let me know instantly that was a bad idea.

“I told you to not to move. You aren’t ready for that yet.”

“Who are you?” I ask through a crackling, raspy voice.

Silence. Whoever it was simply stood over me.

“Where is everyone?” I asked.

Silence.

My mind began to wander from thought to thought. Am I in the Enemy’s camp? No. That can’t be possible. The Enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. They wouldn’t take the time to keep me comfortable.  They would try to kill me. Is there another battle taking place? Was my unit dispatched again? No, that’s not it either. Someone would have stayed with me. It’s protocol. No one is left behind. Brie would be here or Momma B. If they were needed in battle, depending on the scale of it, Lori would be here at least.

My eyes began to search the grass beneath me, looking for any sign of where I am or who is standing next to me. Blood. Dried blood dotted the bright green grass.

“Is that my blood on the ground?”

“Yes.”

“Where is Brie or Lori?”

Silence.

My heart rate is now starting to quicken. Something is not right. Something is very wrong. Then it hit me… they are dead. Did something happen while I was passed out? Was there another major attack? Every one who dragged me off the field and even those I heard singing around the tent were injured. Not one wasn’t spilling their own blood from some point of their body. My breathing increased. I could feel myself starting to panic.

“WHERE IS MY UNIT!” I yelled with all my might. My voice shaking in fear and anger.

“Calm down.” the voice whispered again without a hint of emotion.

“I WILL NOT CALM DOWN UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!”

“Slow your breathing.”

“DON’T INGORE ME!” I yelled again trying to push myself up off the cot so I could face the mystery person in the tent. I wanted them to see my face, see the anger boiling into fury in my eyes. They need to know I am serious in demanding an answer. But as I bent my elbows and started to push myself up, the person above me put both hands on my back and slammed me back down.

“I said stay down Shawn!”

Fear and anger rapidly coursed through my veins as a fiery burning pain ripped through my back and down my legs. Tears filled my eyes and spilled over onto to the ground, some mixing with the blood, turning it bright red.

“Are they dead?”

I struggled to get the question out through my quivering chin. A thought I never dreamed I would face.

“You don’t need them.”

Wait, what? What kind of answer is that? That doesn’t make sense.

“What are you talking about? Of course I need them.”

“You have me.”

“I don’t even know who you are! You won’t answer me!”

From the bottom corner of my eye I watch their feet shuffle to the head of my cot, turn, and face me. I shivered. Anxiety and fear smothered me as it wrapped around my chest and squeezed tight. I could feel my heart beating hard inside me. I thought for sure it would puncture my lung from the relentless and heavy pounding. I watched as the person above me knelt down onto their hands and knees.

“Holy Spirit, be with me now…”

That was all I could get out of my mouth before the person quickly swung their head under mine and snapped their face, in an unnatural contorted way, to face mine. Whatever blood that was left in my body turned to ice, so cold I swear it stopped flowing. My eyes shot open so wide that I thought they would fall out and roll away from me. My mouth opened to scream but even my words were too terrified to come out. I was, once again, face to face with the worst of the worst, besides the Devil himself… Flesh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Momma B! Lori! Get in here now! Something is wrong!” Brie yelled out from within the Hospital tent.

Surgery was over. Lori and Heather were outside rinsing the bloody rags, Momma B was putting the last bandages on Angela when Brie yelled out. Becky also heard and began to rush over.

“Where is Shawn’s shield?” Angela asked Heather as they also began to follow Lori and Momma B.

“I leaned it outside of her tent.”

“Grab it and bring it in with you.”

Within seconds Lori is in the tent and at my side. Blood was running from the middle of my back, rolling off to the side, then dripping to the ground.

“I was hoping this wouldn’t happen.” Lori said as she began to take the blood soaked bandages off.

“What?” Brie asked.

“Her worst wound is infected. The infection is pushing fresh, healing blood up and out of the wound. This type of infection is almost like a living organism.”

“What does that mean?” Heather asked

Lori looked up, made eye contact with Heather and then with Momma B, and looked back down at the wound. Never answering the question that hung in the air. Momma B moved closer and began to help Lori trying to get control of the bleeding. No one said a word as they watched the two women work. It was understood what the answer to the question was and no one wanted to speak the words out loud.

“Becky, there is some salt over there in the corner behind you. Would you grab a hand full please?” Lori asked, pointing to the corner with her eyes.

Lori took the salt as Momma B spread my flesh apart, exposing the depth of the wound.

“If you can hear me Shawn, hang in there. We are all here. Debbie went to get oil.”

Momma B looked up at Lori as they shared a quick, silent conversation with only eye contact and a slight nod,

“Shawn,” said Momma B, “Honey, this is going to hurt.”

With a sigh, Lori took the handful of salt and shoved it as deep as she could into the bleeding, infected wound.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You don’t need them. You have me.” Flesh whispered again.

It’s breath smelt of sulfur and death. Rotting meat was far more pleasant to breathe in than this.

“I thought I killed you?”

Flesh smiled awkwardly and answered,

“You did. But didn’t you pay attention to your training, I come back…daily.”

“I haven’t seen you ‘daily’. Otherwise I would have killed  you continually!”

“Ha ha ha! I am not a fool Shawn!” Flesh laughed a deep, raspy laugh, “I am not going to make things easy for you! I stocked you. I waited for the perfect time. That time came and here we are! Re-united!”

“Where is my unit? They were here last time I faced you.”

“They are not here. They are far, far away. It is just you and me.”

I thought about the last time I faced Flesh. Our entire came was surrounded by them. Each one of us, facing a cruel reflection of ourselves. Grey corpses with skin hanging like a silk robe on a closet hanger and thin straggly hair over their black, lifeless eyes. To kill them, we had to crucify them. But every time we drove a nail into Flesh, we would feel the pain in ourselves. I remember that day clearly. Above my agonizing shouts, I could hear the entire camp in pain, which continued until the last nail was driven in.

I tried to move my hands. My fingers searching for my sword.

“Don’t bother. Your sword isn’t there.”

Flesh was still beneath me, staring up at me. It’s neck was twisted completely around, the skin folds looking like a tightly wound spring. I could see my own reflection in the black marbles of it’s eyes. Its face, as grey as a storm cloud, cheeks sunken in, and it’s skin as thin as rice paper. When it spoke, it’s jaw cracked, as the joints popped in and out of socket. It has no ears, just holes in the side of it’s head. It really is my corpse. It favors me. A dead me.

“How did I get here?”

“You never left where you were?”

“What?”

“I’ve been practicing.”

“What are you talking about?”

Flesh smiled so big I could see the maggots wiggling between it’s teeth.

“I entered your wound.”

I had no idea what Flesh was talking about. How can that even be possible? Is this figurative? Is this a parable? The Devil and his army does like to mimic Our Father and Jesus Christ.

“You are over thinking it.” Flesh whispered.

That’s when it hit me. If I wasn’t afraid before, I was now. It knew what I was thinking. Flesh was the poison that was on the arrows. It made itself a “virus” per se  and it has entered my mind. My heart became heavy and it sank to the pits of my soul. I have gone through a battle in my mind before too, but this time the enemy wasn’t a dark spirit, it is my Flesh.

“Lord Jesus Christ, help….”

“Stop talking to Him you fool! Jesus can’t help you here!”

“…Lord, I am desperate.”

“How has the Lord sent help before, Shawn? Let’s think about this for a moment.”

I didn’t answer.

“I believe, when you would pray before, help would come in the form of your unit. Am I right? They would show up, Angela would kneel behind you, Brie and Becky would be next to you, all with swords drawn. You even had a sword. The four of you would raise your shields to create a hedge around you. Am I right so far?”

Now I am the one silent.

“I know I am right. Then, in your weakest, they would start to sing around you. Praise the so called King of kings, that Jesus, until you were strong enough to stand back up. Or Momma B would come out and carry you back. Now you have ‘what’s her name’, you know, uh, Lori. Yeah, that’s her name, Lori and Heather and Debbie too. I will admit, I wasn’t expecting your tight little pathetic group to grow. It ticked me off because I had to rethink how to get to you again. But then it hit me, if I can get into you, they can’t get to you! And they are what the Lord has been sending to help you! It was perfect!”

I began to cry. What am I going to do? Flesh is right. They were vital in battle and I have been separated from them. A new emotion began to come over me. I am alone. My tears splashed on the face of Flesh. It smiled a hateful smile then slid out from underneath me.

“You are once again mine and this time, I am not letting you go until you are dead…like me.”

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Loss…

Posted: July 28, 2019 in Other Stuff.....

Thursday I was blindsided. I ran into my ex after 13 years. Emotions, memories…. all flooding back. Like the ocean when a tsunami comes rushing back into shore. It threw me so much that I could not eat nor sleep that night. Our relationship didn’t end bad, but didn’t end good either. I had to make a choice between Jesus or her. A choice that for 6 months I agonized over. My salvation experience wasn’t like what I hear from many Christians. My addictions didn’t suddenly vanish, they actually came on stronger. My love for my ex, which I know in my head was sinful lust, but my heart, even today as I write this, believes it was love…. it came on stronger as I tried to justify keeping a sinful relationship and be a disciple of Jesus.

My anger increased. My cutting increased. Frustration. Jesus set me free from sin, but this sin, I was desperately trying to hold on to. One night she sat me down and told me she cannot live with my anger anymore and seeing me struggle was taking it’s toll on her. Out of “love” she told me to leave…. in anger I left. I shut every emotion, thought, memory of her off. Jesus was now all I had.

I have been fine with that for 13 years. Sure… I have had moments of longing for someone to share my life with… Especially as my friends began to marry and start families of their own.

I have been in counseling now for 25 weeks. It started out as trying to learn coping skills to deal with my dad’s drinking, my mom’s selfish tendencies, and my failing health… then one day, without any prompting, I spilled my secrets to my counselor…. and we have been working on them ever since… SSA being one of them.

Then Thursday happened. I found myself thinking things I NEVER thought I would think. Friday, my counselor came in on her day off to meet with me b/c I couldn’t get my thoughts under control.

“Did you ever talk to anyone at all about the breakup?” she asked.

“Nope. I had no one to talk to.”

“Then I believe this is happening so you can grieve. Get this finally out of your system. Because you are still, deep down holding onto hope of that relationship to come back.”

She was right. As soon as she said it, I knew she was telling the truth, that as a Christian I don’t want to admit. But I can’t deny it. She has part of me, part of my heart is still hers to claim, and I have been waiting for her to redeem it.

I struggle to find the right words that can express and define the searing, ripping, violent tearing of my heart as it accepted the truth… and the deep, sinking, heavy ache that comes with having to let her go.

Jesus found me 14 years ago this coming September. He has rescued me, saved me, healed me, from so many many many things. And I am sure, if you are a Christian, you may be wondering how or even why I longed for her return. How could I? Why would I? Many Christians, the majority I would dare to say, look at the sin of LGBTQ and SSA as one of the worst sins of all. So why hold out hope? I don’t know. I can’t answer that question and maybe it will be answered as I continue.

But I am not there yet… to try to even think of answering them is unattainable right now. My heart is bleeding. I have had anxiety attacks three times today because it just hurts too much at times. I thank God I have two precious people who checked up on me today. They are hurting in their own lives as well, dealing with their grief, and they are checking on me. Granted, my heartbreak is over sin, theirs is death and divorce… but they also understand heartbreak is heartbreak… it doesn’t matter what broke it, the pain is just the same. And I am so incredibly thankful for them. For their understanding, grace, empathy, and non-judgmental ways.

I hate grieving. But I obviously don’t let things go, I stuff them down… so far down that it surprises me when they suddenly come back up. I am told, however, that grieving loss is healthy. that is is good. And it is the only way to heal.

Just be honest with God and with yourself. Talk to Him about it. Do you know how odd it is to talk to God about the hurt that comes with loosing a sin that you hoped would come back… or one that you wish never had to end in the first place???? Jesus died for this, and I am grieving over it. How does that make sense? I can feel my anger starting to rise inside me. What is wrong with me????????

Rough…

Posted: July 26, 2019 in Other Stuff.....

“Stand up!” I heard myself say aloud.

“Get up now!” I yelled this time.

But no matter what I said, I couldn’t stand. I was hardly able to breathe as I was on my knees, in the pouring rain, staring straight ahead. My surroundings were bleak, overwhelming, all consuming, and dark.

The blue sky was hidden behind the darkest clouds I have ever seen. They turned the world into night. The only light was from the lightning flashes streaking through the clouds, at times, finding it’s way to the ground. The thunder was deafening as the lightning found it’s target and ripped the atmosphere apart with it’s violent strikes.

In between rolls of thunder, I could hear them crying, moaning, and some screaming out in pain of their own. Voices I know well and cherish deeply. They are my friends. My adopted family. My brothers and sisters, who, like me, have been hit hard, blindsided by the enemy we didn’t see coming. We knew he was out there, with his armies, constantly taunting us with is threatening roars. We were able to stand up to his threats before, even engage in battles and walk victoriously from them. Sure, we had our shares of injuries and the battle would extend much further than we thought, but we were victorious. Looking back now, I can see the enemy was probing. Not looking for weakness in us as a whole, but weaknesses in each one of us individually. For seven years he was taking notes, marking us, waiting patiently for this time, this moment.

We are an elite team of warriors. Each with different talents, gifts, and skills given to us by the King, and refined by time, practice, and one another. We have members of S.W.A.T. who lead the charge most times. I am on that team. I am also a Field Medic. If you fall, I am trained to come get you and carry you (or drag you) to the Hospital. I can handle the “emergency” part but the nursing and long term is gifted to those with incredible skills of grace, patience, and mercy. Those skills belong to Momma B and Becky, who have been with our unit for years, and also Lori and Heather, who have only just joined us.

Momma B runs the Hospital and also sends and receives orders that are sent down to us from the King. Becky also serves on S.W.A.T. with me, Brie, Angela, Kayla, Beth, Al, Jeri, Keith, Linda, Rex, and Theresa. Each S.W.A.T. member is paired, one to another, for support, encouragement, and accountability. My partner has changed throughout the years within the unit, simply because of life changes. When I joined this army, Angela and I fought back to back and marched side by side, now I have the honor to re-connect with my best friend, Brie. Brie and Becky were in training when I joined S.W.A.T. so Angela was my mentor to help me fine tune my defensive skills along with showing me how to sharpen my sword. Some of the toughest and sweetest times took place for all of us during those years.

Looking out across the battle field, I see the black profiles of my unit against to the raging fires in the distance. The earth bleeding flaming red after horrific stabbings of the clouds above. The Hospital was attacked by the enemy, setting one of our tents on fire. Momma B is doing her best to tend to her wounded Hospital warriors while suffering injuries herself. Heather, covered in her own blood, is leaning over Debbie, one of our Field Medics, trying to treat her wounds the best she can in the darkness. Lori is crawling in my direction, trying to get to me. I can hear her voice yelling out instructions, but I cannot focus enough to comprehend what she is trying to tell me.

Brie. Where is Brie? Panic sets in as my eyes start to dart back and forth, looking for my partner, my best friend. Then I heard it. The sound that makes your blood run cold, she’s screaming. I cannot see her, but I can hear her from within the tall grass to my left.

“GET UP!” I yell angrily at myself, but I can’t move a muscle.

As I stare in Brie’s direction, I see Al and Theresa running towards the screams, swords drawn. I hear clashes of metal. Iron against steal makes a certain sound, and only one part of the enemy’s army carries steal swords…Flesh. One of the strongest of the warriors in the Satan’s army, and Brie was being attacked by it.

More screaming began to drown out the cracking thunder. To my horror, I could see the enemy attacking again. The Vultures are once again in the air, dropping balls of explosive molten lava. In the tree line, I could see the fiery arrows taking aim, awaiting for the “Loose” command from the commander of Dart. Bats began to swoop in, I heard the clanging of armor being dropped as Keith, Beth, and Heather tear off their armor in order to remove the bats that are clawing and ripping through their skin. Momma B picked up her sword and swung it against Heather’s breastplate, killing the bat within. The only way to kill the Bats is with the sword. We all know this, but, for whatever reason, when a Bat gets between your breastplate and skin, it is quickly forgotten. The searing pain of their claws is intense and all logic goes out the window. Which is why we have partners and a tight knit unit who can react quickly, hopefully able to get to you and kill the Bat within your armor before you remove it. The Bat’s only mission is to get you to remove your armor so that the Spider unit can then crawl into your open wounds to wreak havoc within you. Once the Spider invades your heart and mind, you are in serious trouble and in need of Hospital care immediately.

I felt a gentle touch on my shoulder, “Shawn! Shawn! Can you hear me?”

Lori had finally reached me. She crawled in front of me, trying to get me to lock eyes with hers.

“Shawn! Look at me! I need you to look at me!”

I understood what she was saying, I could see her face, but I couldn’t focus. I was looking through her. She was talking. I know I heard my name multiple times, I just couldn’t get my mind to compute what I was hearing.

SMACK!

I felt a firm hand slam into my left cheek, causing an instant spark of anger, which snapped me to attention. I jerked my head up in the direction from where the blow came from to see Brie standing there. My anger instantly left. My friend is here, she is not lost, I am not alone.

“Shawn.” I heard Lori speak again, her voice urgently and gently beckoning my attention. “Can you hear me?”

“Yes.”

“We need to move. Can you move?”

I tried to grab my sword with my right hand. Nothing. Not even a twitch. I couldn’t lift my shield with my left arm either.

“No.” I answered, now wide eyed and beginning to feel the anxiety rise with the rapid beating of my heart.

“Ok. We are going to get you out of here,” said Lori as she stood up next to Brie.

“Why can’t I move?” I asked.

Brie knelt down to face me, “Your back is covered in arrows. The poison is in your spinal cord. We are going to carry you out of here.”

“Shawn,” Lori started, “Brie and I are going to try to lay you down, but we have to remove the arrows first. It is going to hurt.”

By the time Lori and Brie were able to pull, more like rip, the arrows from the my back, Heather had made her way to me to offer an extra hand. It was in that moment, for a split second I was overcome by so much comfort. As my back bled and in the midst of the panic, I looked up to see the bloody, muddy, ash covered faces of three women, risking their lives to get me off of the battle field. Each one wounded. Each one in pain. But while suffering and dodging arrows wizzing by, they came to get me.

Brie began to sing praises to the King, keeping the Bats at bay. Heather began to pray scripture out loud, while Lori dressed my wounds so I could be moved to Hospital. Word had reached Momma B and Becky that I had been crippled. Momma B prepared a place for me while Becky ran out into the battle field to find Angela, Beth, and Theresa, singing with all their might while swinging their swords against a retreating enemy. Once Becky told them what had happened, all four met us at Hospital. While Lori began to operate, Angela, Brie, Becky, Beth, and Theresa surrounded the tent, with swords in hand, started to sing to King Jesus. Praises to the King cause a hedge of protection. Heather and Debbie assisted where needed, but mostly were there to speak scripture over me when I would grunt in pain, and wipe my eyes as I cried.

“Shawn,” began Lori, “I know it hurts, but pain right now is a good thing. It means you can feel. I would be concerned if you weren’t in this intense pain. Scream. Cry. It is ok.”

A few minutes later, Lori had begun to work on my deepest wound. I remember the burning, searing fire that engulfed my entire body. Pain came spewing from my mouth in the form of a gut wrenching scream as my world went black.

 

Attitude of Gratitude

Posted: April 15, 2019 in Other Stuff.....

I must focus on things I love. Things I am grateful for. Things that make me smile and breathe easy.

So today is day one. I am grateful for my counselor, Lori. I am free to be myself in that office and there isn’t one hint of judgment, disgust or shock. I have found a safe place to confess to another my faults so the correcting, changing, and healing can begin. Although there is pressure from some of my friends that I am taking too long to deal with things… Lori helped me understand that they only see what tipped the scale… GP… they don’t know what all I have “vomited” up that I have been ignoring or denying… and now I am facing it. This helped me release my hurt and frustration from friends and my sister… they just don’t know!!!

I am grateful for how the Lord has used storms as a visual aide to help me understand what grieving is about.

I am sooooooo grateful for the cool breeze today and the sunshine after a stormy weekend. Again, reminding me there is a change coming. This storm will pass.

I am grateful for the Word I have hidden in my heart. I cannot always get to my Bible in the instant I need it… but I have it in my heart. And even tho I have had to battle spiritually and fleshly twisting of the Scriptures… I love that even then, the Holy Spirit would bring to mind Scriptures that would repeat and reveal Truth… it didn’t give the lie that was trying to take root a chance.

I know that seems confusing… if Scripture is keeping Truth alive, than why am I still struggling so hard? Through Lori today, I realized, like I said before, I was ignoring and in denial of issues I’ve had for a lifetime…I skipped the Biblical way of dealing with them… thus the mess I’ve made!

i am grateful for my dogs! To know that no matter the mood I’m in, three dogs want me and are excited just to be near me is amazing.

i am grateful for Jesus. He has been merciful to me. He brought me to a safe place and has given me the opportunity to rid my demons that haunt me. That He hasn’t left me on my own. For His enlightening through this and comfort during the hardest days.

Jesus is the sole reason I haven’t killed myself. As much as I love my parents, dogs, friends… I could not find a reason in them to live. Funny isn’t it… we ask ourselves or others if we are willing to die for Jesus, but I had/have to struggle with living for Him!

i am grateful that right now, my heart is full. It’s an amazing feeling!

Dark and stormy

Posted: April 13, 2019 in Other Stuff.....

We are all going to die one day. Everyone will be sad.

I am slowly dying. It is going to be miserable as my organs compete to take me out. So my question is, why is it so bad that I want to skip the pain and misery? What is so bad with wanting my last memories of me to be me independent instead of me wasting away? Can anyone explain that?

What is going on?

Posted: April 11, 2019 in Other Stuff.....

I have been staring at this thing for a while now. Blogging was suggested by my counselor to get crap out of my system.

Everyone thinks I am struggling mentally and emotionally because of my latest health decline. I am not. It is just one more thing. What I am struggling with is what the new health issues has taken from me and the dynamics in relationships it changes. Food was a coping skill I used… it is now an enemy. And every relationship I have revolves around food. “Let’s meet for lunch” “come over for dinner” “Let’s eat at this place this weekend” “Family cook out” Ball games, game nights, Bible Studies, Church Fellowships…. food is at the center of it all. And now that people are finding out I can’t eat, I am suddenly not being asked to do things, or when I am there, everyone is awkward around me while they eat. Which makes me feel uncomfortable and less likely to want to go out because of my health issues affect on them.

My phone doesn’t ring like it did. Text alerts don’t come like they did before this. I feel rejected. The ones that do still call or text, I can tell they want me to act normal, like I am not affected by this. My sister said that I am not trusting God enough… that I know enough Scripture to snap out of it.

We tell people to come to church as you are… but if you claim to be a Christian, something happens, and you come in broken… that is unacceptable. Put your fake mask back on and smile.

 

I am drowning. The friends I thought I could count on in time of trouble, I watched walk away from the shore. The friends that are throwing me a line are throwing it to a place I can’t reach and are telling me to swim to it. “You know how to swim. Suck it up and swim.”

Serve other people. Pray more. Read more. Sing more. Do they really think I am not fighting? I am not just sitting here wallowing. Some look at me as weak because I am in counseling. I am in over my head, admit I am, I seek help and get blasted for it. Counseling is the ONLY reason I haven’t already killed myself. Because going home to Heaven looks a WHOLE LOT sweeter than trying to sit here and fight this and others.

I am not only in a spiritual battle, mental battle, emotional battle, physical battle… trying to stay alive and find a reason…. but I am also trying to defend my getting help and feeling overwhelmed with people who claim to care about me and what I am dealing with. Word gets around. I hear things. I don’t even want to go to church anymore… but church isn’t full of good, perfect people. So, well it’s Thursday… we will see about Sunday.

 

I am physically and emotionally and mentally tired. My heart literally hurts. It has burst open. The blood has poured out leaving me cold and empty. Even my bones hurt with sorrow. I would rather be run over by a steam roller and live than to endure this sorrow. Maybe mercy will find me, make me sicker, and carry me on……………

What else can you do?

Posted: March 19, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

These past few days have been rough…. not only am I running out of pain meds, so I am cutting back and feeling the affects of that… not only am I sick…. mentally and emotionally, I am starting to loose it. I am sad. I can feel it creeping up on me. That is a war I CANNOT loose…. I have called on my prayer warriors for help in this area… but oh my it is a fight. So, what else can you do? I sing “Place of Freedom” over and over in my head…

 

So I’m gonna lift my hands… Til I can reach Heaven…. I’m gonna shout Your Name (JESUS!!!!!)… Til the walls come falling down… I’ve come to worship… I’ve come to worship… I’m gonna sing my song… Like I am unashamed… I’m gonna shout for joy… At the mention of Your Name… I’ve come to worship…. I’ve come to worship…”

 

if anyone out there reads this… and you know the song… sing it with me….