What else can you do?

Posted: March 19, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

These past few days have been rough…. not only am I running out of pain meds, so I am cutting back and feeling the affects of that… not only am I sick…. mentally and emotionally, I am starting to loose it. I am sad. I can feel it creeping up on me. That is a war I CANNOT loose…. I have called on my prayer warriors for help in this area… but oh my it is a fight. So, what else can you do? I sing “Place of Freedom” over and over in my head…


So I’m gonna lift my hands… Til I can reach Heaven…. I’m gonna shout Your Name (JESUS!!!!!)… Til the walls come falling down… I’ve come to worship… I’ve come to worship… I’m gonna sing my song… Like I am unashamed… I’m gonna shout for joy… At the mention of Your Name… I’ve come to worship…. I’ve come to worship…”


if anyone out there reads this… and you know the song… sing it with me….


what is going on?

Posted: March 14, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

Ok… my parents are being super weird and mom has started drinking. hello. I spent the afternoon in the er with my sister having chest pains. prob from stress. my best friend is on the verge of a break down. all this going on when I am about to start the tests to see if I have colon cancer. no one knows yet. I haven’t said anything because all my close ppl are super stressed out… this wont help. so I am trying to figure out a way to get to and from tests on my own… most I can do except one. ugh. what in the world? oh well…. right?

New plan

Posted: March 10, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

Ok… well the doctor’s office of the pain specialist called today… and do to a family emergency, my appointment for the 31st has been canceled and the earliest they think they can take new patients… and this is only guessing… is in May. Ok. Well, here is the issues with me for this. My primary doctor cannot write a script for my pain medicines… yes plural…. because of Obama care. Only a pain specialist is able to do so now. I will be running out of medicine mid April. Also, I know without finding another path or plan in medicine, I can’t re-join the choir. So my hopes for a new plan and being back in the choir in April have just been dashed.

I missed church yesterday. I was up late and then my phone didn’t switch over when the time changed so when my alarm went off, it was 10:30… Church was already done singing. Oops. But anyway… I was up late because my best friend and her husband invited me to family bowling night and I had a blast. I didn’t play…. but I laughed and smiled so much I was super sore in my face and tummy the next day!

I sent Brie and Keith an email last night. I have been really wanting to see a Cirque de Soulie show for years… but no one will travel that far to see one with me… well… they are putting on a Michael Jackson show called Immortal and I saw a preview of it…. it may not be a full blown Cirque show…. but it is as close as I am going to get and they are coming to Huntsville for two nights only… I am begging them to go with me. I am going to pay for the tickets… and I want to invite Boone and Steadman to go with us. THey make me laugh and I am usually not very comfortable around men… but I am around these guys. So the 5 of us would have a blast I think so I am super pathetic and begging them to go with me!!!! I hope they can!!! I really really do or I will be super bummed. super.


Started writing again. I didn’t like what I had before, but loved the idea and all the Lord showed me through it. So…I deleted it all and started fresh. Same idea… totally different story. We will see where it goes. I am going to write with no clear plan as to where I am going with story. Just going to write until it is time to stop and see where we end up. Looking forward to it.

New Morning

Posted: March 8, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

Last night was rough. My friend called me to talk it out. She was sorry for what she said and all that… and I know she is. It is just… well…. Take a painting of a choir loft. In my friend’s life… I was on the front row, standing next to her with her other best friend on the other side. Then… she got married. and I know what I am about to sound like. A whinny baby… and if that that is how you choose to view me then that’s on you. But I am happy she is married. It was what was missing in her life. Her husband is very good for her. The step children is a whole other story that I won’t get into. But see… since he showed up… I have been pushed back. Which I knew would happen and should happen and I have encouraged her many a time… The order of things is God and your husband! It is biblical and I want her blessed by God in being obedient to that order! But the next thing I know… my friend’s step dad dies and I have known and loved her family for years at this point… and I can’t go to the funeral. Why? because her husband is going and if he is going, I can’t go. (her rules, not his). Her great granny’s 90th birthday celebration comes around… I can’t go because he is going. That is the ONLY reason she gives me why I can’t go. Her granny’s surprise birthday comes around… I can’t go again, but her step grandson can go. Christmas, birthday, thanksgiving dinners and lunches I was ALWAYS at with her dad, I can’t go. Surgeries, sickness… I can’t go. I could tell her I need to talk, it is serious… and the entire time I am trying to talk, she keeps texting. If it was important fine… but it is “what’s for dinner” and stuff like that. And suddenly I looked up for the first time last night and saw I have gone from standing on the front row to the back row, last seat. I look around at other married people and they talk about “girls night out” and meeting up and talking on the phone and get aways with their friends… my friend thinks and fully believes she has to choose. I KNOW it isn’t all him either. Sure… there are probably times he wants to be with his honey… but I KNOW he wouldn’t care on everything. You know? Well, maybe you don’t. Maybe I am an idiot and reacting because that is my ONLY friend that calls and wants to help me do errands or go see a movie when she has any time left over to do so. And I am freaking out a lil… see… I don’t get out much. There is so much physically going on with me that leaving the house causes some anxiety… what if I fall? what if I need help and can’t get it? What if I am not near a bathroom? what if I have a coughing spell? What if I tense up? I mean… even at church these fears consume me and last week was crazy scary for me. The pain has increased so much these past few months, getting to church is a big deal… no one calls. Not even Rex. It is just my one friend… the one that over time has slowly pushed me back and away. Now, I am only good for when she is bored or needs to vent.


Now, don’t think I don’t know Jesus is here and that He is my very best friend. I am not stupid. I am hurting and sad. And if you think I shouldn’t be sad and broken because of this because I do have Jesus… your an idiot. Can you imagine how Jesus felt when Peter denied Him three times? Do you not think that hurt Jesus’ heart and broke it? That was one of His best friends on earth… His inner circle… and Peter denied Him. Or what about Judas… Judas may not have been His inner circle, but was on the front row of the choir loft with Jesus and with a kiss be betrayed the Son of Man… you don’t think that hurt Jesus’ heart and broke it? Or when all of His inner circle took off running, leaving Him alone in the garden… you don’t think that hurt Jesus’ heart and broke it? So… for you to tell me that I shouldn’t be sad because my best friend has shoved me aside because I should be a strong Christian because I have Jesus… you are an idiot. Which is why I am not telling anyone about my troubled, broken heart… I am only telling Jesus because He is the only One who could understand.


And, for those idiots who think I am comparing myself to Jesus…. you are just an idiot.


Posted: March 8, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

Blindside. You think a friendship is one way until the brick wall slams you in the face telling you otherwise. There are no words to describe the pain, which makes it hard to breathe. No one. You will tell no one. And you will still answer calls. Come running when they ask for help. Why? Because you know that is your calling. John 15:13… Greater love has no man than he that lays down his life for his friends.


Reality is tho… you are alone.

My God

Posted: March 6, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

Let me tell you… my God is Awesome. And if, some reason, you have stumbled across my blog, and you don’t know Jesus, leave me a message and let me tell you about Him. He will change and rock your world and you will find that in the worst of times, that is when you fall in love with Him even more!

So, I haven’t been feeling good lately… bed has been my friend. Being bored is normal and so I would read and study and what not… I now know why I am sick… so I can take what I have been reading, what I have been studying, and use that to encourage my friend. The Lord has taken my “crap” and is using it for His glory and good. I have never been so thankful to be so sick in my life!!  And see, that is what I am talking about… Jesus changes your world! Most people would be upset and frustrated that they are sick, but JESUS can turn it into an amazing blessing that will blow your mind to the point you are SO THANKFUL for it!!! Jesus takes your brokenness to plant a seed into your broken heart that WILL bloom into something so breathtakingly beautiful to be seen by many! JESUS can take your wrongs and use them to bring Him GLORY AND HONOR and draw people to Him! Have you ever thought about that? Jesus takes my sins, your sins, and uses them to draw people to Him so that they may know how to get to Heaven with Him?! How crazy is that!!!!! He takes what will cause people to go to hell and uses it to bring people into a relationship with Him and gives them a home in Heaven!!!!! OH MY WORD!!!! My JESUS ROCKS!!!!! He takes my hurt to heal others! He takes my mistakes to reveal truth to others! He takes my wrong choices to show others the Way to Him! HELLO!!!!!



Posted: March 5, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

I am really not feeling good today. My chest is killing me!! lol… I wonder why? hahahaha. My phone died sometime in the night and I didn’t realize it until four this evening… seems all heck breaks loose on the days your phone dies and your best friend is trying desperately to get a hold of you. Oh my word. Her step children and the crap they cause and disrespect they have towards their father and my best friend… it is going to put me in an early grave!!!! all but one of the kids is so self centered it is so stupid. The make themselves look like fools. If only they heard what their extended family thinks of their actions. I heard all about it when we were in the NICU waiting room when Carrel passed. Idiots… except one.

Oh man… I don’t feel good at all… calling it an early night… but my phone is back on… so it may not be an early night. OH LORD PLEASE!!! PLEASE I beg You… hold my best friend and her husband tight…. Keep their mouths shut and only speak when the Holy Spirit tells them too… Oh my Father… please. They need Help so badly…. Help them I ask in Jesus Name…