Attitude of Gratitude

Posted: April 15, 2019 in Other Stuff.....

I must focus on things I love. Things I am grateful for. Things that make me smile and breathe easy.

So today is day one. I am grateful for my counselor, Lori. I am free to be myself in that office and there isn’t one hint of judgment, disgust or shock. I have found a safe place to confess to another my faults so the correcting, changing, and healing can begin. Although there is pressure from some of my friends that I am taking too long to deal with things… Lori helped me understand that they only see what tipped the scale… GP… they don’t know what all I have “vomited” up that I have been ignoring or denying… and now I am facing it. This helped me release my hurt and frustration from friends and my sister… they just don’t know!!!

I am grateful for how the Lord has used storms as a visual aide to help me understand what grieving is about.

I am sooooooo grateful for the cool breeze today and the sunshine after a stormy weekend. Again, reminding me there is a change coming. This storm will pass.

I am grateful for the Word I have hidden in my heart. I cannot always get to my Bible in the instant I need it… but I have it in my heart. And even tho I have had to battle spiritually and fleshly twisting of the Scriptures… I love that even then, the Holy Spirit would bring to mind Scriptures that would repeat and reveal Truth… it didn’t give the lie that was trying to take root a chance.

I know that seems confusing… if Scripture is keeping Truth alive, than why am I still struggling so hard? Through Lori today, I realized, like I said before, I was ignoring and in denial of issues I’ve had for a lifetime…I skipped the Biblical way of dealing with them… thus the mess I’ve made!

i am grateful for my dogs! To know that no matter the mood I’m in, three dogs want me and are excited just to be near me is amazing.

i am grateful for Jesus. He has been merciful to me. He brought me to a safe place and has given me the opportunity to rid my demons that haunt me. That He hasn’t left me on my own. For His enlightening through this and comfort during the hardest days.

Jesus is the sole reason I haven’t killed myself. As much as I love my parents, dogs, friends… I could not find a reason in them to live. Funny isn’t it… we ask ourselves or others if we are willing to die for Jesus, but I had/have to struggle with living for Him!

i am grateful that right now, my heart is full. It’s an amazing feeling!

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Dark and stormy

Posted: April 13, 2019 in Other Stuff.....

We are all going to die one day. Everyone will be sad.

I am slowly dying. It is going to be miserable as my organs compete to take me out. So my question is, why is it so bad that I want to skip the pain and misery? What is so bad with wanting my last memories of me to be me independent instead of me wasting away? Can anyone explain that?

What is going on?

Posted: April 11, 2019 in Other Stuff.....

I have been staring at this thing for a while now. Blogging was suggested by my counselor to get crap out of my system.

Everyone thinks I am struggling mentally and emotionally because of my latest health decline. I am not. It is just one more thing. What I am struggling with is what the new health issues has taken from me and the dynamics in relationships it changes. Food was a coping skill I used… it is now an enemy. And every relationship I have revolves around food. “Let’s meet for lunch” “come over for dinner” “Let’s eat at this place this weekend” “Family cook out” Ball games, game nights, Bible Studies, Church Fellowships…. food is at the center of it all. And now that people are finding out I can’t eat, I am suddenly not being asked to do things, or when I am there, everyone is awkward around me while they eat. Which makes me feel uncomfortable and less likely to want to go out because of my health issues affect on them.

My phone doesn’t ring like it did. Text alerts don’t come like they did before this. I feel rejected. The ones that do still call or text, I can tell they want me to act normal, like I am not affected by this. My sister said that I am not trusting God enough… that I know enough Scripture to snap out of it.

We tell people to come to church as you are… but if you claim to be a Christian, something happens, and you come in broken… that is unacceptable. Put your fake mask back on and smile.

 

I am drowning. The friends I thought I could count on in time of trouble, I watched walk away from the shore. The friends that are throwing me a line are throwing it to a place I can’t reach and are telling me to swim to it. “You know how to swim. Suck it up and swim.”

Serve other people. Pray more. Read more. Sing more. Do they really think I am not fighting? I am not just sitting here wallowing. Some look at me as weak because I am in counseling. I am in over my head, admit I am, I seek help and get blasted for it. Counseling is the ONLY reason I haven’t already killed myself. Because going home to Heaven looks a WHOLE LOT sweeter than trying to sit here and fight this and others.

I am not only in a spiritual battle, mental battle, emotional battle, physical battle… trying to stay alive and find a reason…. but I am also trying to defend my getting help and feeling overwhelmed with people who claim to care about me and what I am dealing with. Word gets around. I hear things. I don’t even want to go to church anymore… but church isn’t full of good, perfect people. So, well it’s Thursday… we will see about Sunday.

 

I am physically and emotionally and mentally tired. My heart literally hurts. It has burst open. The blood has poured out leaving me cold and empty. Even my bones hurt with sorrow. I would rather be run over by a steam roller and live than to endure this sorrow. Maybe mercy will find me, make me sicker, and carry me on……………

What else can you do?

Posted: March 19, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

These past few days have been rough…. not only am I running out of pain meds, so I am cutting back and feeling the affects of that… not only am I sick…. mentally and emotionally, I am starting to loose it. I am sad. I can feel it creeping up on me. That is a war I CANNOT loose…. I have called on my prayer warriors for help in this area… but oh my it is a fight. So, what else can you do? I sing “Place of Freedom” over and over in my head…

 

So I’m gonna lift my hands… Til I can reach Heaven…. I’m gonna shout Your Name (JESUS!!!!!)… Til the walls come falling down… I’ve come to worship… I’ve come to worship… I’m gonna sing my song… Like I am unashamed… I’m gonna shout for joy… At the mention of Your Name… I’ve come to worship…. I’ve come to worship…”

 

if anyone out there reads this… and you know the song… sing it with me….

what is going on?

Posted: March 14, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

Ok… my parents are being super weird and mom has started drinking. hello. I spent the afternoon in the er with my sister having chest pains. prob from stress. my best friend is on the verge of a break down. all this going on when I am about to start the tests to see if I have colon cancer. no one knows yet. I haven’t said anything because all my close ppl are super stressed out… this wont help. so I am trying to figure out a way to get to and from tests on my own… most I can do except one. ugh. what in the world? oh well…. right?

New plan

Posted: March 10, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

Ok… well the doctor’s office of the pain specialist called today… and do to a family emergency, my appointment for the 31st has been canceled and the earliest they think they can take new patients… and this is only guessing… is in May. Ok. Well, here is the issues with me for this. My primary doctor cannot write a script for my pain medicines… yes plural…. because of Obama care. Only a pain specialist is able to do so now. I will be running out of medicine mid April. Also, I know without finding another path or plan in medicine, I can’t re-join the choir. So my hopes for a new plan and being back in the choir in April have just been dashed.

I missed church yesterday. I was up late and then my phone didn’t switch over when the time changed so when my alarm went off, it was 10:30… Church was already done singing. Oops. But anyway… I was up late because my best friend and her husband invited me to family bowling night and I had a blast. I didn’t play…. but I laughed and smiled so much I was super sore in my face and tummy the next day!

I sent Brie and Keith an email last night. I have been really wanting to see a Cirque de Soulie show for years… but no one will travel that far to see one with me… well… they are putting on a Michael Jackson show called Immortal and I saw a preview of it…. it may not be a full blown Cirque show…. but it is as close as I am going to get and they are coming to Huntsville for two nights only… I am begging them to go with me. I am going to pay for the tickets… and I want to invite Boone and Steadman to go with us. THey make me laugh and I am usually not very comfortable around men… but I am around these guys. So the 5 of us would have a blast I think so I am super pathetic and begging them to go with me!!!! I hope they can!!! I really really do or I will be super bummed. super.

 

Started writing again. I didn’t like what I had before, but loved the idea and all the Lord showed me through it. So…I deleted it all and started fresh. Same idea… totally different story. We will see where it goes. I am going to write with no clear plan as to where I am going with story. Just going to write until it is time to stop and see where we end up. Looking forward to it.

New Morning

Posted: March 8, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

Last night was rough. My friend called me to talk it out. She was sorry for what she said and all that… and I know she is. It is just… well…. Take a painting of a choir loft. In my friend’s life… I was on the front row, standing next to her with her other best friend on the other side. Then… she got married. and I know what I am about to sound like. A whinny baby… and if that that is how you choose to view me then that’s on you. But I am happy she is married. It was what was missing in her life. Her husband is very good for her. The step children is a whole other story that I won’t get into. But see… since he showed up… I have been pushed back. Which I knew would happen and should happen and I have encouraged her many a time… The order of things is God and your husband! It is biblical and I want her blessed by God in being obedient to that order! But the next thing I know… my friend’s step dad dies and I have known and loved her family for years at this point… and I can’t go to the funeral. Why? because her husband is going and if he is going, I can’t go. (her rules, not his). Her great granny’s 90th birthday celebration comes around… I can’t go because he is going. That is the ONLY reason she gives me why I can’t go. Her granny’s surprise birthday comes around… I can’t go again, but her step grandson can go. Christmas, birthday, thanksgiving dinners and lunches I was ALWAYS at with her dad, I can’t go. Surgeries, sickness… I can’t go. I could tell her I need to talk, it is serious… and the entire time I am trying to talk, she keeps texting. If it was important fine… but it is “what’s for dinner” and stuff like that. And suddenly I looked up for the first time last night and saw I have gone from standing on the front row to the back row, last seat. I look around at other married people and they talk about “girls night out” and meeting up and talking on the phone and get aways with their friends… my friend thinks and fully believes she has to choose. I KNOW it isn’t all him either. Sure… there are probably times he wants to be with his honey… but I KNOW he wouldn’t care on everything. You know? Well, maybe you don’t. Maybe I am an idiot and reacting because that is my ONLY friend that calls and wants to help me do errands or go see a movie when she has any time left over to do so. And I am freaking out a lil… see… I don’t get out much. There is so much physically going on with me that leaving the house causes some anxiety… what if I fall? what if I need help and can’t get it? What if I am not near a bathroom? what if I have a coughing spell? What if I tense up? I mean… even at church these fears consume me and last week was crazy scary for me. The pain has increased so much these past few months, getting to church is a big deal… no one calls. Not even Rex. It is just my one friend… the one that over time has slowly pushed me back and away. Now, I am only good for when she is bored or needs to vent.

 

Now, don’t think I don’t know Jesus is here and that He is my very best friend. I am not stupid. I am hurting and sad. And if you think I shouldn’t be sad and broken because of this because I do have Jesus… your an idiot. Can you imagine how Jesus felt when Peter denied Him three times? Do you not think that hurt Jesus’ heart and broke it? That was one of His best friends on earth… His inner circle… and Peter denied Him. Or what about Judas… Judas may not have been His inner circle, but was on the front row of the choir loft with Jesus and with a kiss be betrayed the Son of Man… you don’t think that hurt Jesus’ heart and broke it? Or when all of His inner circle took off running, leaving Him alone in the garden… you don’t think that hurt Jesus’ heart and broke it? So… for you to tell me that I shouldn’t be sad because my best friend has shoved me aside because I should be a strong Christian because I have Jesus… you are an idiot. Which is why I am not telling anyone about my troubled, broken heart… I am only telling Jesus because He is the only One who could understand.

 

And, for those idiots who think I am comparing myself to Jesus…. you are just an idiot.