New Morning

Posted: March 8, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

Last night was rough. My friend called me to talk it out. She was sorry for what she said and all that… and I know she is. It is just… well…. Take a painting of a choir loft. In my friend’s life… I was on the front row, standing next to her with her other best friend on the other side. Then… she got married. and I know what I am about to sound like. A whinny baby… and if that that is how you choose to view me then that’s on you. But I am happy she is married. It was what was missing in her life. Her husband is very good for her. The step children is a whole other story that I won’t get into. But see… since he showed up… I have been pushed back. Which I knew would happen and should happen and I have encouraged her many a time… The order of things is God and your husband! It is biblical and I want her blessed by God in being obedient to that order! But the next thing I know… my friend’s step dad dies and I have known and loved her family for years at this point… and I can’t go to the funeral. Why? because her husband is going and if he is going, I can’t go. (her rules, not his). Her great granny’s 90th birthday celebration comes around… I can’t go because he is going. That is the ONLY reason she gives me why I can’t go. Her granny’s surprise birthday comes around… I can’t go again, but her step grandson can go. Christmas, birthday, thanksgiving dinners and lunches I was ALWAYS at with her dad, I can’t go. Surgeries, sickness… I can’t go. I could tell her I need to talk, it is serious… and the entire time I am trying to talk, she keeps texting. If it was important fine… but it is “what’s for dinner” and stuff like that. And suddenly I looked up for the first time last night and saw I have gone from standing on the front row to the back row, last seat. I look around at other married people and they talk about “girls night out” and meeting up and talking on the phone and get aways with their friends… my friend thinks and fully believes she has to choose. I KNOW it isn’t all him either. Sure… there are probably times he wants to be with his honey… but I KNOW he wouldn’t care on everything. You know? Well, maybe you don’t. Maybe I am an idiot and reacting because that is my ONLY friend that calls and wants to help me do errands or go see a movie when she has any time left over to do so. And I am freaking out a lil… see… I don’t get out much. There is so much physically going on with me that leaving the house causes some anxiety… what if I fall? what if I need help and can’t get it? What if I am not near a bathroom? what if I have a coughing spell? What if I tense up? I mean… even at church these fears consume me and last week was crazy scary for me. The pain has increased so much these past few months, getting to church is a big deal… no one calls. Not even Rex. It is just my one friend… the one that over time has slowly pushed me back and away. Now, I am only good for when she is bored or needs to vent.

 

Now, don’t think I don’t know Jesus is here and that He is my very best friend. I am not stupid. I am hurting and sad. And if you think I shouldn’t be sad and broken because of this because I do have Jesus… your an idiot. Can you imagine how Jesus felt when Peter denied Him three times? Do you not think that hurt Jesus’ heart and broke it? That was one of His best friends on earth… His inner circle… and Peter denied Him. Or what about Judas… Judas may not have been His inner circle, but was on the front row of the choir loft with Jesus and with a kiss be betrayed the Son of Man… you don’t think that hurt Jesus’ heart and broke it? Or when all of His inner circle took off running, leaving Him alone in the garden… you don’t think that hurt Jesus’ heart and broke it? So… for you to tell me that I shouldn’t be sad because my best friend has shoved me aside because I should be a strong Christian because I have Jesus… you are an idiot. Which is why I am not telling anyone about my troubled, broken heart… I am only telling Jesus because He is the only One who could understand.

 

And, for those idiots who think I am comparing myself to Jesus…. you are just an idiot.

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