Posted: March 8, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

Blindside. You think a friendship is one way until the brick wall slams you in the face telling you otherwise. There are no words to describe the pain, which makes it hard to breathe. No one. You will tell no one. And you will still answer calls. Come running when they ask for help. Why? Because you know that is your calling. John 15:13… Greater love has no man than he that lays down his life for his friends.


Reality is tho… you are alone.


My God

Posted: March 6, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

Let me tell you… my God is Awesome. And if, some reason, you have stumbled across my blog, and you don’t know Jesus, leave me a message and let me tell you about Him. He will change and rock your world and you will find that in the worst of times, that is when you fall in love with Him even more!

So, I haven’t been feeling good lately… bed has been my friend. Being bored is normal and so I would read and study and what not… I now know why I am sick… so I can take what I have been reading, what I have been studying, and use that to encourage my friend. The Lord has taken my “crap” and is using it for His glory and good. I have never been so thankful to be so sick in my life!!  And see, that is what I am talking about… Jesus changes your world! Most people would be upset and frustrated that they are sick, but JESUS can turn it into an amazing blessing that will blow your mind to the point you are SO THANKFUL for it!!! Jesus takes your brokenness to plant a seed into your broken heart that WILL bloom into something so breathtakingly beautiful to be seen by many! JESUS can take your wrongs and use them to bring Him GLORY AND HONOR and draw people to Him! Have you ever thought about that? Jesus takes my sins, your sins, and uses them to draw people to Him so that they may know how to get to Heaven with Him?! How crazy is that!!!!! He takes what will cause people to go to hell and uses it to bring people into a relationship with Him and gives them a home in Heaven!!!!! OH MY WORD!!!! My JESUS ROCKS!!!!! He takes my hurt to heal others! He takes my mistakes to reveal truth to others! He takes my wrong choices to show others the Way to Him! HELLO!!!!!



Posted: March 5, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

I am really not feeling good today. My chest is killing me!! lol… I wonder why? hahahaha. My phone died sometime in the night and I didn’t realize it until four this evening… seems all heck breaks loose on the days your phone dies and your best friend is trying desperately to get a hold of you. Oh my word. Her step children and the crap they cause and disrespect they have towards their father and my best friend… it is going to put me in an early grave!!!! all but one of the kids is so self centered it is so stupid. The make themselves look like fools. If only they heard what their extended family thinks of their actions. I heard all about it when we were in the NICU waiting room when Carrel passed. Idiots… except one.

Oh man… I don’t feel good at all… calling it an early night… but my phone is back on… so it may not be an early night. OH LORD PLEASE!!! PLEASE I beg You… hold my best friend and her husband tight…. Keep their mouths shut and only speak when the Holy Spirit tells them too… Oh my Father… please. They need Help so badly…. Help them I ask in Jesus Name…


Posted: March 4, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

I had a rough day today both emotionally and physically. I had another coughing fit. This one way worse than the most recent fits and now my chest and back hurts beyond words. Emotionally… I am really struggling to find that peace I once had with being content. I hate that I have lost that… and to be honest I am not sure where I lost it… but this is just rough living/thinking. I wish there was a pill I could take that would bring back that contentment!! It is a choice and why it is so hard to live that choice amazes me. Isn’t funny how we are designed. Jesus summed it up… “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.” Wow how my spirit longs for that contentment and peace and joy but my flesh is raging a war in getting there.


You know… I still dream of things I want to do and places I want to go. I am sure that doesn’t help my current situation… but I do. I miss thinking that “one day I will…” However… there is one dream that will come around for me one sweet day… I will go to Heaven. That excites me. People who know my struggle and frame of mind right now would worry because of that statement and my past… I would do the same if I were them as well… but I do dream of the day of no more pain. OH my word… no more pain of any kind. NO more broken hearts. NO more hanging on to an illusive tomorrow. NO more good byes. Peace beyond peace we will ever know here.


I just did a small study on Paradise, Abraham’s Bosom and Hades/hell…. since Carrel died you can’t help but think of this stuff and it isn’t like anyone we know personally comes back a week later and tells us how the whole thing works and what to expect… so I went looking for the information that we do have and Jesus laid it out there perfectly in Luke 16…. man we are FULLY aware of where we are, what we “feel” and see and sense. The rich man was being tormented and Lazarus was “comforted” and since Jesus rose from the dead… nothing has changed in hell/hades… but now, oh Abraham’s Bosom/Paradise is now present with the Lord in the 3rd heaven. Oh my word how great is that!


Posted: March 3, 2014 in Other Stuff.....

Well… I knew that 2014 would be a year of change. I welcomed it. And even though so far it has been hard changes, I find myself having to, once again, learn to be content. To be thankful in EVERYTHING because this is the will of my Father for me. Tonight, after dropping my pen to the point of frustration, I am having to start an online journal. Some say this would be more of a “diary” because a “journal” is something you take with you on a journey somewhere and a diary is an “everyday” type of writing. This, is by far, a journey to me!

So, yesterday I had to write Bro Rex and officially step out of choir. That was so hard. I cried into the night over it. But my body just cannot handle being up there anymore. Out in the audience I am able to sit, stand, move around to stretch, etc… I can’t up in the choir loft. I will still praise my Lord whether in a choir loft or not… He is Worthy no matter what. It was the not being able to be with my choir family to praise the Lord with. I am not sure how to explain it to where anyone outside of choir can understand, but there is a bond, a love, a unity, a brother/sisterhood. All serving One Lord, with one heart, one voice, in the same stride, with the same passion and love and power. A group of 100+ members all seeking the Lord’s face. That is what I am having to step down from and it broke me. The Lord is good though. Even when it hurts. Even in my loneliness. Even in this place, my Lord is so good to me. I am thankful that I have a best friend who calls me every day without fail to make sure I am doing well and she will get me out of the house at least once a week. I am thankful I have a sister who will text or call me throughout the week to tell me stupid jokes! I am thankful that I have two dogs who know when I am having a rough day physically and will bring me all their favorite toys and surround my bed with them so make me feel happy! And yes, they literally do that! I am thankful that the Lord has blessed me with enough money monthly that I can sponsor two beautiful children in Haiti and be able to send them little gifts. I am thankful for this laptop and this site so that I can still journal even when my hands can’t grip that day. And the list can go on. I still have my mind. I can still read God’s Word. I can pray. I can sing. I can still drive. I have a comfortable bed to rest in. I have a bunch of Ted Dekker books still yet to read! One of my exercises for  my hands and arms is playing guitar and that is an awesome thing! Ball season is about to start and my best friend and her husband are willing to get me or meet me there to watch games and visit with eachother and Keith almost always pays for dinner for me! So… all this to say I am blessed beyond measure even in the midst of difficult changes. Don’t be fooled though, I do have my down days which will show up in this in days to come. I am not super human. I am just trying my very best to be content and thankful for and in everything because the Lord, for whatever reason, has seen fit to allow this and His promise is that it is for His Glory and my good.